Co-regulation
From the moment of birth, infants rely on their caregivers for regulation. A baby cannot self-soothe; it needs an attuned adult to provide a calming presence and reassuring touch.
This process is called co-regulation: the mutual influence of nervous systems on one another. When we are in the presence of a calm, grounded person, our own nervous systems tend to settle. When we are around someone who is anxious or agitated, we may notice our own arousal increasing.
Research on mirror neurons has shown that we literally simulate others’ states in our own bodies. When we observe someone performing an action or expressing an emotion, similar neural patterns activate in our own brains. This is one mechanism underlying co-regulation.
Co-regulation isn’t just for infants; it remains important throughout life. Even as adults, our nervous systems are influenced by those around us. This is why:
- Being with a regulated therapist can help us regulate
- Support groups can be healing
- Social isolation is so dysregulating
- Practising somatic work with others can be particularly powerful
The social engagement system
Porges’ polyvagal theory identifies the social engagement system as the most evolved regulatory mechanism in mammals. This system, mediated by the ventral vagal complex, links the heart with the muscles of the face, head, and voice.
When the social engagement system is active, we can:
- Make eye contact comfortably
- Attune to others’ emotional states
- Modulate our voice expressively
- Display facial expressions that communicate safety
- Listen effectively
Importantly, the social engagement system can only come online when we feel safe. When the nervous system perceives threat, it shifts down the hierarchy to mobilisation or shutdown, and social engagement becomes unavailable.
Trauma and relationships
Trauma profoundly affects our capacity for connection:
- Early relational wounds — Childhood trauma can affect our capacity to connect with others
- Trust and hypervigilance — Trauma, especially interpersonal trauma, makes trusting others difficult; we scan for threats and misread neutral cues as dangerous
- Reenactment — Unconsciously recreating traumatic dynamics in current relationships
- Isolation — Many trauma survivors isolate to feel safe, but isolation limits access to co-regulation
Trauma often happens in relationship, and healing from it may require relational repair. For many people, the capacity for co-regulation is underdeveloped or complicated by fear of closeness. Part of healing involves rebuilding this capacity.
Healing in relationship
This doesn’t mean you must process trauma directly in relationship. Individual practice is effective. Practising with connection and support adds another dimension.
Ways to incorporate co-regulation into healing include:
- Working with a trained practitioner who can offer a regulated presence
- Practising with a trusted partner
- Participating in group settings when ready
- Building supportive relationships outside of formal practice
- Cultivating self-compassion as a form of internal co-regulation
The quality of your relationship with yourself matters. Self-compassion, the ability to treat yourself with kindness and understanding, is a form of internal co-regulation that can support healing even when external relationships are limited.